The Ties That Bind

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. ~Paul Pearshall

Score!

My (not-so-recently) engaged sister and I have struck a deal and I am the one emerging a winner. A few years ago my grandmother mentioned that when one of us got married she'd like to give us her china. My sister embraces modernity; I, on the other hand, like to mix the old with the new. I'm not sure I'll ever get married. I'm not sure I want to. If I continue to attract and be attracted to emotionally unavailable men, I'm not sure that I'll have much choice, but I digress.

I was offended by my grandma's offer because it embodies the reasons I choose to embrace being a "spinster girl." Last Christmas my sister came to dinner with her (then new) fiance and my grandma again mentioned the china. "Not really my style," my sister said to me. "Totally mine!" I said. Just before Thanksgiving, I talked to my sister and the plan was hatched. If/when my grandma remembers her offer, my sister will graciously accept and then give me the china.

My grandma wins. My sister wins. I win. And I didn't even have to register.

Thanksgiving or Maybe The Hokey Pokey Really Is What It's All About

It's funny how such a small something can set off a chain reaction of introspection and (maybe a little) self-delusion (i.e. "It's not me! It's him!").

I'm tired, I've had too much wine and I'm feeling a bit of disappointment from an earlier brush-off, but the question begs asking:

In a year where I have so much to be thankful for, why do I focus on what I don't (and more to the point, can't) have?

As an aside, last night while eating at Ichiban (in a black sweater, jeans and running shoes) a group of young women came in various states of undress. One girl was wearing a halter top with a small strip of feathers down the back. When she walked by I caught a glimpse of one of her breasts. I remember when going out was an event. The preparation, the fun, the heels! Every night out was like New Year's eve.

I can't go back. I don't want to, but I'm not sure I want to move fast forward either. I wonder why I continue to make the same mistakes, revert to the same ways when I've learned so much and I've changed (really) in so many ways. Not the core of who I am, but in who I can be. Who I want to be. What I want.