Yes, I know the words to Wham Rap! 86

There are some important things happening in the world, many of which I care about. George Michael's drug habits? Not so much. But at the top of my Gmail this morning, I found that he'd been arrested in some sort of probe. Two of my favorite childhood stories involve George Michael. On my first day of private school, I was summoned to the 4th grade table by two girls who invited me to sit with them and offered to let me join their Wham! fan club. The alpha dog pulled me close and said, "The only thing is you can only join if you promise to like Andrew Ridgely and not George Michael." I was nine and not really digging the boys yet (and likely wanted to be a GoGo or a member of Bananarama), but I agreed and for the next several weeks I would sit at lunch with the two girls and pretend to giggle over Andrew's "totally chiseled" cheekbones while memorizing every word to the Wham! rap.

I don't know how much time had passed when my grandmother summoned me into her kitchen to have a "little talk." She was concerned about something she had found in my suitcase: a George Michael tape and some red pills. The tape contained the song "I Want Your Sex," and my grandma planned to have a talk with my mother just as soon as she came back to town. "That's fine," I remember saying, "but she's the one that gave it to me." The pills were allergy medication. I can only assume that she thought I was an eleven year old pill popping sex fiend and was worried because all I wanted to do was sleep and read (Go Ask Alice and Are You there God? It's Me Margaret, naturally) under a tree. My grandparents didn't have cable, their stereo was an 8-Track and my grandmother's magazine subscriptions consisted of Guideposts and Southern Living. Any kid would've done the same.